Lighting a candle for a pet who has died

A small thing to do with your hands

Losing a pet leaves a strange gap in the day. The walks, the feeding times and the door you used to hold open all stop at once. Lighting a candle is one of the oldest ways people mark a loss, and it works for animals as well as for people: it is quiet, it takes a minute, and it gives your hands something to do while your mind catches up.

You do not need to be religious, and you do not need to say anything. The candle is enough.

When to light one

Some people light a candle the evening their pet died, or on the day of their burial or cremation. Others light one on the first anniversary, on their birthday, or on the date they came home. Some light one every evening for a week, at the time they would usually have been fed or walked.

If your household has children, a candle can be a simple way to include them. They can choose where it goes, or put a photo or a favourite toy next to it.

Making it a ritual

A ritual is just something you repeat on purpose. You might put the candle beside their collar and a photo. You might read the messages friends have written, or say their name out loud. You might take five minutes to sit where they used to sleep.

Keep it simple enough that you can do it again. The point is not to get it right; it is to set aside a moment that belongs to them.

Please be careful with real flames near pets who are still with you, curtains and bedding. A battery candle works just as well.

When the people who loved them are far away

Grief for a pet is often shared by people who cannot be in the same room: grown-up children who moved away, an ex-partner who still loved the dog, friends who looked after them on holidays. A virtual candle on an online memorial page lets each of them mark the moment wherever they are, and lets you see that they did.

On a memorial page, each candle shows up as a small count, often with a name beside it. It is a quiet way to say "I am thinking of them too" for people who do not know what to write.

If you are lighting one for someone else’s pet

If a friend has lost a pet, lighting a candle on their memorial page is a kind, low-pressure way to show you care. You do not need to find the perfect words. If you do want to write, a short memory works best: one thing you remember about the animal, in a sentence or two.

Use their pet’s name. People who are grieving often say that hearing the name, rather than "your dog" or "your cat", is what they needed most.

Keeping a candle for later

Many people keep the candle they lit that first evening and light it again on the anniversary. Others choose a new one each year, perhaps in a colour or scent that reminds them of their pet: the garden they loved, the beach they ran on, the room where they slept.

If the candle burns down, that is fine too. What you are keeping is the habit of stopping for a moment to remember them, and that does not run out.

Light a candle together

You can make a free memorial page for your pet in about five minutes and send the link to the people who loved them, so everyone can light a candle and leave a memory, wherever they are.