If you are reading this, you probably have to tell a child something you would give anything not to say. This guide starts with the words themselves, by age, so you can say them tonight. After that come the harder questions: euthanasia, whether a child should be there, seeing the body, what reactions to expect, and a few small things you can do together afterward.

You do not need to get it perfect. Children mostly remember that you told them the truth, that you stayed with them, and that it was all right to be sad.

Before you start

  • Tell them soon, and tell them yourself. It is better to hear it from you than from a sibling, a neighbor or an overheard phone call.
  • Pick a quiet place where you can stay. Not on the way to school, not right before bed if you can help it. Sit close and give them your full attention.
  • Use the words "died" and "dead." They sound harsh to adults. To a child they are clear, and clear is kind.
  • Say it in a sentence or two, then stop. Let them react and ask. You can add more later.
  • It is fine to cry in front of them. It shows them that sadness is a normal response to losing someone you love.

What to say, by age

These are starting points. Change the name, the details and the wording so it sounds like you. Children develop at different speeds, so read the age above and below your child's too.

Toddlers (about 2 to 3)

Very young children do not understand what death means yet, and they may ask where the pet is again and again for weeks. The American Academy of Pediatrics says repeated questions are normal at this age. Keep the answer short and the same each time.

Biscuit died. Her body stopped working. She can't come back, and we're sad. We miss her.

What helps most is steady routines: meals, naps and bedtime at the usual times, and a bit of extra cuddling.

Young children (about 3 to 6)

Children at this age often think death can be undone, or that the pet is somewhere and will come home. Many also quietly wonder if something they did or thought caused it. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry suggests describing death in physical terms a young child can picture: the animal stops moving, doesn't see or hear anymore, and won't wake up again.

I have some very sad news. Biscuit died today. That means her body stopped working. She can't breathe or eat or play anymore, and she can't feel any pain. She won't come back, even though we wish she could. It isn't anyone's fault, and it's definitely not because of anything you did or said. It's OK to feel sad, or mad, or anything. I'm sad too.

Expect them to ask the same questions tomorrow, and the day after. Answer again, with the same simple words.

School-age children (about 6 to 9)

Children usually come to understand that death is permanent somewhere around seven or eight, according to Colorado State University's veterinary hospital. They often want facts: what happened, what it felt like, what happens to the body now. Answer honestly, without graphic detail.

I need to tell you something sad. Biscuit died this morning. Her heart had been getting weaker, and today it stopped. She wasn't in pain at the end. Dead means she won't ever wake up, eat or play again. You can ask me anything about it, now or later, and I'll tell you the truth.

Older children (about 9 to 12)

By now children understand death much like adults do, though some go quiet or turn it into facts and questions instead of tears. Give them the real reason and include them in what happens next.

Biscuit died today. The vet found that the cancer had spread, and there was nothing more that could make her better. I know how much you loved her, and she loved you. We're going to decide together how to say goodbye and how to remember her. What would you like to know?

Teenagers

Teens understand death fully, and their grief can look like anything from tears to irritation to seeming not to care. Tell them as you would an adult, and let them choose how involved they want to be. Many will want to talk to friends before they talk to you, and that is normal.

I have bad news, and I wanted you to hear it from me first. Biscuit died this afternoon. I'm so sorry. I'm here whenever you want to talk, and if you'd rather be on your own for a while, that's OK too.

Words to avoid, and what to say instead

Adults soften the news to protect children. With young children especially, soft words often do the opposite, because they take them literally.

  • Instead of "We put her to sleep," say "The vet gave her medicine that let her die peacefully, without pain." A young child may become afraid of going to sleep, or wait for the pet to wake up.
  • Instead of "She went away" or "She ran away," say "She died. She can't come back." Otherwise the child keeps hoping, and may feel lied to later.
  • Instead of "We lost her," say "She died." Lost things can be found, and some children will go looking.
  • Instead of just "She was very sick," add "She had a sickness animals sometimes get when they are very old. Most sickness gets better, and yours will too." Children get sick too, and may worry they will die the next time they have a cold.
  • Instead of "Don't be sad" or "Let's not dwell on it," say "It's OK to be sad. I'm sad too." Hurrying a child past sadness teaches them to hide it rather than live with it.
  • Instead of "We'll get you a new puppy" right away, say "We'll talk about another pet one day, when we're all ready." A quick replacement can suggest that someone we love can be replaced.

If your family's faith includes ideas about heaven or an afterlife, you can share them. It still helps to say first, plainly, that the pet died and will not come back to live with you, so a young child is not waiting at the door.

If you chose euthanasia

This is often the hardest part to explain. Children can handle the truth here too, if it is simple and calm.

Explain it in plain words. For example: "Biscuit is very old and her body hurts all the time now. The vet can't make her better. Tomorrow the vet will give her a special medicine that will make her die peacefully, without pain. We're choosing this because we love her and don't want her to hurt anymore." Colorado State's veterinary hospital suggests framing it just this way: the family is helping the pet die because they love it.

Tell them before, if you can. If the appointment is planned, a day or two of warning lets your child say goodbye: a last favorite treat, a photo together, a drawing for the pet, a few quiet minutes.

Don't blame the vet, and don't let them think it was their decision. Older children and teens can be part of the conversation, but the final decision belongs to the adults.

Should a child be there? There is no single right answer. Colorado State notes that well-prepared children usually cope with the experience. Ask your child what they want and respect it. Younger children usually do better saying goodbye beforehand. If an older child chooses to be present, ask your vet to walk them through what will happen, so nothing is a shock. If you bring a younger child, bring another adult who can step out with them at any point.

Seeing the body

Some children want to see or touch their pet one last time; others don't. Both are normal. If your child wants to, tell them first what they will see: their pet will be still, may feel cool, and their eyes may stay open. Stay beside them, and let them choose how long. If they say no, don't push, and don't make them feel they missed something.

If your pet will be buried or cremated, a short, honest answer is enough when they ask: "Her body is going to be cremated. That means it's turned into soft ashes. She can't feel anything, because she died."

What children often do next

Grief in children comes in bursts. A child can sob and then ask for a snack five minutes later. That isn't a sign they didn't care. Common reactions include:

  • asking the same questions over and over, especially the youngest
  • clinginess, trouble sleeping, or wanting to sleep in your room
  • acting out the death in play, or drawing it
  • anger, at you, the vet, or another pet
  • worry that you, or they, will die too
  • going back to younger habits for a while, like bedwetting or baby talk
  • seeming not to care, then grieving weeks later

Answer what they ask, keep routines steady, and tell their teacher so a sudden wobble at school makes sense.

If they ask who would look after the other pets. After a pet dies, some children start to worry about what would happen to the animals still at home if something happened to you. A short, specific answer helps: name the person who would take them. If you haven't decided yet, GetMemorial's guide to what happens to a pet when its owner dies explains how to put a plan in writing.

When to get more help. The AAP lists signs that a child may need more support: trouble functioning at home or at school months later, being preoccupied with the pet, deep or long-lasting sadness, or risky behavior in older kids. If you see these, talk to your pediatrician. If you are ever worried a child may be thinking about suicide, in the US you can call or text 988 at any time.

Small things you can do together

Children often grieve best with their hands. Doing something gives the feeling somewhere to go.

  • Draw or write a goodbye. A picture of their pet, a letter, or a list of "things Biscuit liked." Young children can dictate while you write.
  • Hold a small goodbye. Gather the family, share one memory each, and say goodbye. Children can choose a song, a toy to put out, or the words. If you bury your pet or their ashes, they can help plant something on top.
  • Light a candle. It is simple enough for a young child and quiet enough for a teenager. Our guide to lighting a candle for a pet has ideas for turning it into a small ritual you repeat.
  • Make a memory box. A collar, a favorite toy, a clip of fur, a photo. Let the child decide what goes in. Our guide to your pet's belongings has ideas for what to keep and how.
  • Start a small memory book. One page per memory. Older children may like the prompts in our pet loss journal prompts.
  • Remember the dates. On their birthday or the day they died, look at photos together or go for their favorite walk. It tells a child that remembering is allowed to go on.

A place to keep what they make

The drawings, letters and photos children make in these weeks are easy to lose. If you'd like to keep them in one place, you can make a free Everlit Pets memorial page and add a few favorite photos there, including a picture of your child's drawing. Family members far away can visit, light a candle or leave a memory without signing up, and your child can come back to it whenever they want to remember.